A confession

Ok so I've been absent for a bit.

On Sunday (and Monday) I had a binge.  I admit it, take responsibility for it, and have suffered for it.  On Monday I ate SO much food (homemade chocolate, jelly beans, other lollies, red rooster for dinner, a HUGE homemade chocolate cheesecake slice thing).. that I vomited.  I forced so much crap into my system that I had the chills, shakes, vomits, the runs, I felt hot, was sweating - quite honestly I felt like I was going to die.

So while all this was going on - Elf Man was in the bedroom googling my symptoms.  He said that I was having a reactive hypoglycemia.  So basically I had eaten such huge amounts of sugar that my pancreas freaked out and pumped out a lot of insulin to make up for it - and it left me with low blood sugar.  And since I was suffering that, I also had a panic attack (which is interesting to note that there have been some studies about the correlation between low blood sugar and panic attacks!).  Then Bubbles woke up for a feed.  So I had to pause what I was doing, and feed her.  That was one of the lowest points of my weight issues, I created this crap that I'm suffering - AND - I did it without thinking of my family.

So it seems that even though I'm 25kg down, I still have the same issues I did when I was 103kg.  My mental status is still set to excess.  I'm such an addictive type of person, I get addicted to everything, I replace all addictions with another one.

So I think we've discovered that I can't have "treats".  I just go overboard and it sets me off on a bad path to wanting more and more and more until I binge and then suffer.  What pisses me off is that all my life I've been told that you should treat yourself now and then, and lollies/chocolate = treats.  Why aren't there other foods considered "treats"- like a really nice punnet of fresh strawberries, or other fruit that you don't buy because they are too expensive, like raspberries or blueberries?  Its set in everyone's mind that junk food is the only thing thats classed as a treat, and to be honest, thats fucked up.  Even my mum buys shit food for my kids and calls it a treat.  They wouldn't be happy with nice fresh fruit now as a treat, because they have been "treated" so many times now with lollies and junk food.  Rewarded for good toilet training with jelly beans and chocolate.

So!  Since all this crap started I'm revising.  I was calorie counting Monday - Saturday with Sunday off.  Now it appears I can't do that cos then I eat crap.  So, now its been revised revised (haha) to being no calorie counting at all (it becomes an obsession) but I'm going to make sure that I'm eating the following way:

1.  2 serves of fruit every day.
2.  Water.  Must.  Drink.  More.  Water.
3.  5 serves of vegies every day.  Most nights I eat at least 5 different vegies, but I wouldn't class it each one being a "serve".  So I have to work on eating more through the day too.
4.  Palm size of meat when having it.  Work on portion control.
5.  Anything I eat must be fresh or homemade.  I made some "Casharoos" today, a fruit and nut bar that I found online, and they are delicious!  So although they are a bit calorie-high, its good food - and thats what I'm putting into me.  For me.  To be the best me.
6.  Exercise.  6 days a week.  To be fit and healthy, nothing to do with weight loss.

I was watching the biggest loser the other night (as usual) and Bob said something that really struck me.  Something along the lines of those who don't celebrate and recognise every small achievement they have on their weight loss journey are usually the ones that are so focused on the end goal that they don't recognise what they have already done - therefore since they haven't recognised it, they are usually the ones to put all the weight back on.

So - yay for me losing 25kg already.  I may have at least 13 to go, but I'm working on my mental state now, because that needs it more than my body does.

Current weight (as of 16 September):  77.1kg.
Total weight loss (since March 2012):  25.9kg