The ugly cycle of self loathing

So many things have been running through my head about what to write in this blog post tonight.  Of course like I always have been, I am going to be completely honest and admit that I have been so completely off the wagon lately that I couldn't even see the wagon.  Wasn't next to me, probably in the next country or something with the way that I have been acting.

First up - my excuses.  Oh, I've heard myself come out with some great ones.  I can't exercise because Elf Man is on prac.  Well yes, its true that he leaves at 5.15am and he gets home when I get home from school pick up at 3.30pm.  Yes its true that I don't really have time to exercise in the afternoon and evening because we go to bed earlier now.  HOWEVER - I could get out there with the girls in the pram and go walking during the day, nothing stopping me except my excuses.  Oh and then there is the excuse to eat crap food - I have my period.  Weeeeee!  That means I get to eat shit food right?  Well no, no it doesn't.  I didn't eat any crap for 5 months and I know that I had my period at least 5 times......

So I've been eating a LOT of crap.  An awful lot.  Yesterday I felt so sick in the guts, and I wouldn't (couldn't) even admit to Elf Man how much crap I managed to shove into my gob at my mum's house.  Eating in secret is what I do best you see, I've perfected the art of people not knowing what you are grabbing to quickly eat, and excuses are easy to come by, oh I need a drink - better go inside... where are my sunnies?.. better go inside... (handful of food, handful of food...chew quickly...swallow but don't choke...)

Hopefully I'm not alone here, I'm sure I can't be the only person alive who eats more than they are supposed to, with all the wrong food choices. Here I sit now at around 75kg and back to eating like I was before - when I was 103kg.  With no feelings attached to food, if its there I eat.  I'm not really an emotional eater, I'm more like - see shit food, eat shit food, kind of eater.  Go buy more shit food.

I hate the way I feel at the moment.  I feel "fat".  Because I've eaten fat, I feel FAT.  I crave more fat because I've eaten fat.  I feel gross and utterly disgusted in myself, so I eat more fat.  The cycle continues.  I've fooled around with different methods of losing weight (and of course have noted them all in previous blog entries, previous one to this one proves my point) and I think its because of fear of failure.  If I give myself a reason to fail (diet too hard to stick to, takes too much time, too restrictive, too expensive) then its not MY fault surely, its the diet's fault - right?

I'm ending this shit, I really am.  I'm sick of feeling like this.  Sick of being on this constant fucking merry-go-round of "Weight Issues".  Its not my weight thats the issue here, its the crap in my head.  My low self esteem.  My low self worth.  My excuses.

Tonight we are saying good bye to the crap food, and tomorrow is going to be that brand new shining day.  I'm not going to think about putting crap food into my body.  I AM going to beat down this wall in my mind that says I can't be fit and healthy.  It knows the past me, not the future me.

And if I never get to meet the "me" that I can be - I'll be stuck with the "me" that I don't like.  Forever.  And that's a long time.